My Take on "It takes a village to raise a child"

It is unreasonable to expect parents to raise well-rounded children without support. In order to function intelligently in the world, a child needs to learn first-hand that people can be very different from one another, and that it doesn’t mean that a particular person is right or wrong/better or worse. This is done by safely (and graciously) growing up around people of different ways of life, age groups… and yes, religion/belief systems, etc. Seeing how different people treat each other, themselves, and how they react in certain situations teaches the child that they have a choice in how they live their lives, and they begin to practice making those choices in a safe environment.

If there are enough people to provide day-to-day support of a family with a child, there is less stress, less fear, less anger, less resentment and more joy, more gratitude, more learning, and more love to go around because experiences will vary, which always makes life more interesting, and provides something new to talk about at the dinner table, and so on. A parent, when beginning to become stressed, or is too tired, or is dealing with some state of mind or other incapability that interferes with their ability to focus on the child can easily and quickly find a brief reprieve without having to resort to some electronic babysitter; and the child ends up gaining experience with interacting with another person, the care-giver has an opportunity to offer assistance and enjoy sharing time with a child, and the parent avoids frustration and burn-out. It means that there are many people the parents trust with the life of the child because the child is truly important to everyone else, and they want to support the family. It means that a child has a view of the world that is as realistic as possible to prepare them for adulthood when they will have to form and maintain relationships and perhaps raise children of their own.

I imagine that if such a village existed, there would be an understanding of who was responsible for what, because it would largely depend on the specific abilities, availabilities, and extent to which an individual wanted to participate (even the parents – not every human who procreates knows everything about everything!). For example, some people would rather care for babies, when others would rather help with teaching a particular skill, or help them deal with emotions, or whatever. This type of village means that there’s always someone to go to when help is needed, or some time is needed away from the family, but in a way that everyone knows that everyone is safe. Unfortunately, this is not the norm in our society, if it’s even possible. Fortunately, humans are very adaptive and resilient and end up being able to survive somehow. :)

What do you do for living?

In social situations, I understand that this is a conventional question that most people are comfortable asking and answering. However, this question cannot be asked without first making the assumption that someone is actually working. It also assumes that what a person is employed to do gives you insight into who they are. Instead, when you want to know more about someone, I propose asking something like “what interests you?” The assumption that a person is interested in something is much more likely to be accurate.

If you’re not working for whatever reason, and someone asks “what do you do for a living”, I would probably try to do is answer in the spirit of the question. Chances are, someone is either simply making small talk or looking for a connection, so answer with something you want to talk about, or how you spend your time. Although I personally avoid asking the question because I don’t like being nosey, a friend of mine is a teacher and she struggles with people not understanding how she survives the summer. (!) Anyway, she tries to ask, “what are you passionate about”, so maybe if you answer as if the question was phrased that way, it would be easier. For example, I think I’ve actually answered with something like, “well, my work isn’t that interesting, but it allows me to focus on the things I enjoy like…” One thing’s for sure is that people like talking about themselves in general, so if you don’t feel like putting much effort into answering, steering the conversation toward the other person usually puts you in the clear. “Tell me about your… whatever.” Just make sure you’re willing to put forth some effort into actually listening.

True self, confidence, and attraction

Living your true self makes you more attractive.

Aside from superficial observations, confidence plays a significant part in how attractive a person is. When someone is being/doing something that they truly enjoy – whether it’s a girl playing Magic or a guy exploring the culinary arts – they are more attractive because they are letting you see the real them. And if an activity isn’t the “norm” for their gender, they may be even more confident because they know they are being genuine, despite the fact that it’s not the norm… ergo, they are more attractive.

False expressions of confidence aren't as successful because who or what is being attracted isn't a natural connection. (This doesn't mean that natural connections never fade, but in those cases, it's caused by something else.)

Being "attractive" doesn't mean being "sexually" attractive... it defines everything you attract: people, relationships, experiences, information... everything. But attracting what naturally aligns with you depends on whether you are living your true self.

Enneagram

I’ve studied the Enneagram for some time, and I’ve learned that there are many people who either aren’t interested in personality typing, don’t want to be “put in a box”, or think it’s a load of hooey. That’s fine with me. It took me a while not to get defensive, but I only wanted others to be able to see it for what it was: a tool. The Enneagram helped me greatly by helping me understand that I am a product of my experiences (I know this is a “duh” thing for many, but you have to figure it out sometime); and allowed me to let go of my… well, guilt about being the way I am. It helped me form language around the things that make me an individual, and the flaws I see that I’d like to change, or somehow “redirect”.

It also helped me understand the dynamics of my relationship with my parents. I’m a One, my Mom’s a Nine, and my Dad’s an Eight. Now I have a better understanding of why me and my Dad often butted heads, and why my Mom was always caught in the middle. Our “surface desires” seemed to match sometimes, but our motivations were different. I cannot stress enough that personality type models are tools. If you are manipulated by them, then they are not being used correctly. If you react to something about yourself that a model happens to point out, then there’s no harm in looking deeper, if you want. It’s also my understanding from books on the Enneagram that each person is a combination of all the types, which supports the idea that everyone is individual. It doesn’t put everyone into one of 9 types, rather some place on a very long spectrum. I also like how it suggests different characteristics of a person depending on their state, whether they are “moving” in a positive direction (growth), or negative (stressed).

Here are a couple websites:
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
http://www.9types.com/

Intelligence Lost?

I usually operate under the assumption that I (or anyone) could learn just about anything, but I think that there are natural limitations for certain types of knowledge, and whether they can be overcome is often up to the person. An example that I’ll never forget is when I tried to teach my grandmother how to use a computer. She was probably about 80 at the time (she’s 94 now). I consider her pretty intelligent, but she couldn’t grasp the concept of using a mouse. Her hand was on the mouse, and I placed my hand on hers. I used my other hand to point to the screen where the pointer was, and moved both my hands in conjunction so that she could see the coordination between mouse and screen. When I let go for her to try on her own, she kept “twisting” the mouse, as if she were screwing a top on a jar. For a time, I thought it was simply an inconceivable concept for her, but maybe her desire to learn just wasn’t strong enough. I would like to have the intelligence to adapt to the changes that I can’t foresee – to solve problems that I can’t think of.

I think the influx of tech gadgets have in one way helped users' ability to think in different ways from what we're used to; but in another way, they have greatly reduced the need for users to rely on memory. If I can't remember a street name, movie title, band name, song lyric, how to spell anything, a phone number, or anything else that I've not committed to memory, all I need is one of my gadgets. And by that, I mean my laptop or my cell phone. I don't even need to remember or write down the model number of my vacuum to get correct bags - I can just take a picture of the model label with my phone and refer to it in the store.

I take some effort in practicing memory though. When I'm going to a new place, I memorize the address (even if I'm only going to end up entering it into my GPS). I have memorized my account numbers, including my primary credit card (along with date and security code). This is quite handy when ordering stuff online because I don't have to fish out my card. I play video, card, and board games that rely on memory. Even in tennis, I have to remember the score. When I read a book, I memorize the page number where I stopped instead of marking it. I also see an opportunity coming in the somewhat near future as I consider educational options.Above all, I want to be able to grasp concepts that are foreign to me, like the mouse was a foreign concept to my grandmother. She has yet to use a computer.

Love Letter to Earth

You are beautiful.

You are the air that I breathe
You are always there for me
I have been unaware of how I affect you.

You breathe the dreams of all life.

You are the ground beneath my feet
You have supported me through thick and thin
I have taken for granted your nourishment.

We are connected on the deepest level whether I choose to acknowledge it or not.

You are the water that I drink
You have never given up on me
I will be aware the little things you do, because if you stop, I will die.

You are my everything.

I am deeply sorry for what has happened in the past, so I will do what I can to learn and change what happens now. I hope it's not too late for you to heal. Most of all, I hope I can speak for all humanity.

Love,
Me

Thank you for reading.
Thanks to Blog Action Day for this opportunity to be a part of a worthwhile movement.
For more inspiration, watch Home: http://www.home-2009.com/.
Join me and many others on October 24, 2009 for 350's International Day of Climate Action.
Image of Earth: NASA/courtesy of nasaimages.org

Fire

I have tried to imagine what it would be like if I lost all of my belongings in a fire. I remember a time when I thought I would be devastated; however, recently I’ve thought that it wouldn’t be that bad, if not even positively freeing. I think a big part of change has to do with the fact that I’ve worked on not being attached to things in general, and also because I have been realizing my own, personal value that is not measured by my possessions, if any are even a reflection of my taste.

While on vacation in Bermuda earlier this month, a thought suddenly occurred to me: “what if my place is on fire?” Seeing as how there was no rational reason for this concern, nor was there anything I could do from the ocean, somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle, I let the thought pass.

The day I returned home (Sunday), I went to borrow my landlord’s lawnmower that is kept in my neighbor’s backyard shed. So that I wouldn’t alarm the tenants who were home, I spoke to them directly to let them know I what I was up to. Well, the people I met who I thought were just friends of my neighbors were actually new tenants. Anyway, we got to talking, and they explained to me that while I was away, the smoke alarms in my half of the house went off. Fortunately, my back door was unlocked so when they called the landlord, he gave them permission to go in my place and turn them off. (I don’t mind, especially since the cats were probably losing their minds!) I couldn’t help but wonder if that occurred around the same time the thought entered my head. I offered in conversation that perhaps smoke entered through open windows to set off the alarms, since there was no source in the house to set them off.

The next day, at group (Monday), the topic was attachment, and since the idea was fresh in my head, I shared how I measured my level of attachment to my things by imagining I lost everything in a fire.

Thinking that was all to the possible coincidence, the rest of the week proceeded normally.

The following Sunday evening, Brian and I dropped some stuff off at our new apartment. I returned home as dusk was turning to night, and I smelled smoke as I approached the house. I wondered where it was coming from, and was worried enough that when I opened the door in the grayish darkness before turning on a light, I thought I saw smoke filling the room. Fortunately, that thought disappeared as soon as I turned on a light and I realized that the milky darkness was playing a trick on my eyes. Walking to the back of my house, I discovered that the source of the smoke was a little backyard firepit my neighbors’ were using. Hmm…. I wonder if they used it while I was away, and that’s what triggered the alarms? Case closed.

The very next day (Monday), I finished reading the second book in the Inheritance fantasy trilogy (Eldest by Joseph Paolini), which I began on vacation. In anticipation of reading the next and final book in the series, I looked it up in the library’s online catalog. The next book is titled Brisingr… elven for “Fire”.